Dwelling in the darkness.

You know, no matter how many years I have put into practice the concepts that have proven to improve my life, I still have those days. It's part of the sickness, I know, but todays blog is just about how it's ok to loose it! My best is all I can do for whatever condition I'm in at that moment.

If I have a horrible cold and at the same time am in a "low" or just one off day, I have to realize that the quality of my best is not going to be at the same level as when I am not sick but still in a "low". 

All this comes to mind because this weekend I was visiting family, but the location was the same location of where I once lived and just happened to have the best year of my life! Nothing extra special happened that year, it was just a year that I don't recall having not one "low". I went one whole year getting to have a break from Depression! Sure, we had some financial difficulties and other typical hardships that life brings, but it was the happiest year I can recall.

The place is absolutely beautiful and peaceful. So peaceful that deer, javalina, and quails ran around freely. There's a creek nearby that made for perfect picnics and swimming. The house was small yet inviting.  Being on a mesa, the sunsets were breath taking! Most importantly, the family unit was as strong as it had ever been!


I have been in a "low" recently and am not quite out of it yet. Thanks to the changes I have made to my way of thinking, my "lows" are only half as severe as they used to be. I still withdraw myself from family and public places. I prefer to stay indoors, and am very emotionally sensitive to the smallest things. I no longer am suicidal, or hate myself.

Being in a "low" already and then going back to this place that, although has wonderful memories, got me all choked up and on the verge of tears. I had to use every bit of strength I had to hold it in while I was there. Once I got home, it was another story!

I just dwelled on how things used to be and asking why couldn't everything be like it was then. I felt mad at the present for not being like the past. Only at moments like these, do I truly hate change. The more I dwelled on how things have changed, the darker my heart felt with anger and hate.

I knew it would pass but having to be reminded how things will never be again, was what really broke my heart. It's a place I will avoid going to as best I can in order to avoid all the negative feelings that it brought. Even though memories lived there were happy ones, it's the comparison of what used to be and what most likely will never be, that would keep a person away instead of wanting to be there. I have family there and although I enjoy their company, being in a "low" and having this unexpected reaction to going there, I cannot go again any time soon. Even out of the "low", going might provoke another negative reaction and could be the reason for the start of another "low".

So for the abnormally un-sick people, if you know of a friend or family member who stays away, a reason like this might be why! I hope you are understanding and supportive of your depressed one!

Thought for the day:

The memory is cherished, it's the fact that things couldn't remain as such, that break the heart!

Truly Yours

Dr. Nobody