Depression and being a parent.

My kids don't deserve to have to see and feel the effects of Depression, but I had kids so what am I going to do!

Like any parent I would love to be all happy-go-lucky for them all the time, but I can only be that sometimes and not for very long. I have seen though, how if I focus on what I can't do for them the more I'm not going to be able to do for them.

I have to focus on what I can do for them. Like I've said in past posts, I have to take advantage of my good days and make them count!

I have been in such "lows" that I stay in bed and do nothing, or lay on the couch just wanting quiet. My kids will ask when we are going to do something, want to leave and go to the park. Being in that "low", the last thing I want to do is be in public.

It's like I feel ashamed of who I am. I only feel that way when I'm in a "low", but still, I feel like people will find me out! I look sick, dark circles under my eyes, pale skin because I rarely ever get any sun. Not only that but there are all kinds of people who are perfectly happy and smiling, I'd be the one parent there with no emotion on my face. Just the thought of that is depressing!

So I understand how hard it is to interact and distract your children while suffering from Depression.

My children, thankfully, understand when I'm not ok. In fact they are quite caring to my needs! If I'm crying, for whatever reason, they will come to me and hug me and tell me they love me. They of course will ask what is wrong and I tell them that I'm sick right now, they say ok and go find themselves a distraction. Oh how I love them!

I take a lot of bathes, It's very calming for me. One of my kids usually will come and sit by the tub to keep me company. Surprisingly, this time is perfect for bonding because I'm in a very relaxed stress-free state of mind. Anyhow, not too long ago, she was asking why I had been crying earlier. I told her that I'm sick again and that's just what happen with this sickness. I told her that is why I came to take a bath, to feel better. Her response, " But why don't you use that lotion you have...it says Stress Relief?"  It was some lotion form Bath & Body Works that was an aroma therapy lotion! Very cute moment.

It's moments like that, that make being a parent while having Depression, not so bad!

The second most valuable thing in this world that has given a reason to live, are my kids. Yes, at times I have not been the best parent because of the lack of attention and even a bit of love I am not always able to give while in a "low", but I forgive myself because I know that I have done the best that I know how and that is all that one can do. You can't do what you don't know!

Now I'm not saying my kids are neglected by any means, I'm just saying that when I am in a "low" there are lots of moments that I can recall when I could have given them another hug, or said I love them, or been a little more caring when they got a boo boo!

I hate who I am on my off days. Seriously! It's like we have a double personality with Depression. I have seen one of my kids fall and scrape their knee, yet my response to them is so ridiculously slow that I disgust myself for how cold I can be. No emotion at times. It is truly a very sad feeling. Yet, any other day, my child falls and... Tun tun tun! Super Parent to the rescue!!!

So all I can do is keep my awareness that way when my day is off and my children need me, I might be in a daze but still do my best to tune into them. I also will give them projects to do when I'm in a low, so that they have something to do. Seeking support from friends and family is a very good idea too. Ask them to take the kids out for a while. Not only so they don't have to be around the dark atmosphere but also so you don't risk taking out any of your frustrations on them.

Personally I'll get snappy and impatient at times. I do ask them for forgiveness when I have gotten mad at them when I know it's just me. Great thing is, kids happily accept apologies then turn and go find something fun to do!

Thought for the day:

The joys of parenting are great, and although we may be sick at times, children are naturally happy and are more than willing to share that happiness!

Truly Yours

Dr. Nobody