The hopelessness one can feel in Depression is so overwhelming. You are consumed by all the negative and sad thoughts of everything you don't have, everything you aren't, everything you have lost. With all of that hitting you all at the same time, you really do feel like you and your life has no value so why even be alive.
Trying to imagine things that seem so far out of your reach, seeing yourself as something better than what you think you are now, and all that has been lost finding it's way back to you, is all so impossible that the best we can do is try to imagine it. And because we are only capable of trying to imagine, nothing seems worthwhile to even give a real effort.
The longer we are stuck in the Hopelessness Suite at The Depression Hotel, the more we want to stay in the room. It's all we know. To us, leaving the room is way too risky. We know how to be sad. We know how to curl up in a ball and cry for hours. We know how to justify the darkness that surrounds us.
We don't know how to let fear go. We don't know how to do something that might just hurt us again. We don't know how to react to new changes that might show us that we have been in hell when we could've been in paradise this whole time. Telling us that all this bad stuff we have been living can all go away in the snap of your fingers only makes us more upset.
How dare you tell us that all the pain and suffering, hurt and the hate, loss and loneliness we have been enduring will all mean nothing if we only come out of the room. How can that be? Does that mean everything I have felt for the last days, months, and years has been for nothing?
And that my friends, is why we might stay in the dark.
Like a terrified animal stuck in that dark corner. It ran there to seek safety in hiding. Not wanting to be seen but able to see the outside. But there is not water no food no light. So now that it's been there quivering in it's dark place, it is also not nourishing it's body. It's eyes have accustomed to the dark and the cold. Seeing the outside world look so scary form here.
But if you don't get out soon, the lack of food, water, and contact with all life forces will bring you to your end.
Just as when the lights turn on and for a split second your eyes hurt for the new adjustment, so this will be too! I know you don't want to turn on the light. It's bright, I know.
How about if you cover your eyes, I turn on the light, then you slowly uncover your eyes as the start to adjust!
Once you are in the light, you will finally be able to see what wasn't visible while you sat in the darkness! That darkness made everything you saw a shade darker, maybe even black! Now you will see everything as it is and I promise that you will see every brilliant color as it was made to be!
Everything you suffered and have felt while in the darkness is still real, it still means a lot. You didn't suffer for no reason and you have every right to have felt the way you have all that time. Let me help you find out what it was all for!
Thought for the day:
It can take up to 20 years for pearl to be made....but first it's stuck in that dark place in a shell!! (just saying!)
Always
Dr. Nobody
Dr. Nobody,
ReplyDeleteAs a 36 year old man living alone, with Bipolar disorder (currently taking an anti-psychotic as a result of voluntary outpatient treatment through one of my city's mental health organizations-funded by the state), I directly relate with your musings on depression, and also I love the imagery evoked with your expressions as well.
I stumbled on your blog as I was perusing Craig's list (in the groups section), because I suffer from depression quite often, and in my worst moments, I reach to pornography/impulsive masturbation, which is my oldest and most resilient addiction (the other one, alcohol abuse, I was able to 'end' or overcome as of March 18, 2012). Finding counseling or therapy in-person has turned out to be much more difficult than receiving medication, unfortunately. Also, I'm not religious, and many sex-addict or porn addiction services are Christian-oriented, unfortunately.
If you, as a fellow person who has experienced significant depression, and appears to be able to deal with it positively, if you've have any suggestions for me to find help (I've already tried SAA and SA in the past, and sure enough, they always end up with a "higher power" and/or Jesus as the solution).
Mr. Retrovertigo
First of all, resorting to sexual gratification isn't abnormal. It feels great for a reason and is a natural occorance. In my personal opinion there is no such thing as a sex addict, not when sex was intended to be done in the first place and was intended to feel good!
DeleteThat part of you is normal. As you yourself said, you live alone. So you dont have that special person you can share your love with and all your desires.
Because you do have Bypolar Disorder and have not found anything that has worked enough, you turn to the sexual part becuase its the only thing you have right now that feels good.
As far as the porn\masturbation part goes, its only unhealthy in the sense that its only a quick fix and in no way is addressing the real problem...Depression.
If we, you and I, cant get you to a point where you can gain control over the Depression, you will no longer turn to sexual methods and instead be able to control impulse behavior so that you can lead a normal life in the company of some awesome person who love sexual intamacy as much ad you do!
Dr. Nobody